Wilderness

It started last summer and has continued on in spite of my best efforts to thwart His better plan.

God really wants us to know Him. Like, really know Him. He has blessed me with several very good friends and it is a wonderful thing indeed to be known; I can understand, a little bit, the pleasure He must derive from us knowing Him more and more. I love getting to know God more, it's the best thing in the world. But I've been so blessed with amazing friends and family, I haven't had to depend wholly and completely on Yahweh for all of my needs; not just the physical and spiritual, but the emotional and relational needs too. Don't get me wrong, I am exceedingly grateful for every relationship God has blessed me with - I think a foundation of love and trust of and from the people around me is a very good thing. But sometimes God wants to remind us of what the best thing is - Him. On Sunday my pastor was talking about wilderness times in our life. Usually, when someone is going through a hard time, people want to help them out, comfort them, show them they care. And sometimes, that's exactly what that persons needs. But sometimes, the wilderness we're going through is God breaking us till we come to the end of ourselves and rely fully on Him, not our own strengths or skills, not our friends who love us but are just human.

Starting near the beginning of last summer, it seems like God has been continually putting me in situations where I feel alone, separating me from my close friends (whether with geographical distance or time), and forcing me to rely on Him only. I have felt like a bit of a loner at times before this, but, though I spend more time with some people than I did before and I'm getting to know some people pretty well, I feel like a lone wolf a majority of the time. I feel as if I don't belong here - in a good way. I can function and even thrive in many different kinds of groups and settings with many different people. I am more comfortable with myself now than I have ever been before. But the only sense of "belonging" I get is when I'm spending time with God. Yeah, people are cool and I love them a lot. But right now, people just aren't doing it for me; I don't need them to. God is where it's at. I am His Beloved and that's enough for me.

At the same time, my Lord is showing me how He provides everything. I sometimes don't want to invest in other people because I know how much I want to love each one and it seems overwhelming to try and love that many people that much. But the more I poor out love for others, the more God fills me up. And so, He even provides the love I need to serve His people.

I am the daughter of Yahweh, His precious and valued child. He provides for my every need and satisfies every desire of my heart. He knows me and loves me and is molding me into who He wants me to be (while teaching me how to be more pliable). He is my Rock and my Salvation, whom shall I fear?

"But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation. 

I will sing the LORD's praise, 

for he has been good to me."

Psalm 13:5-6